Friday, December 30, 2016

What My Christmas Card Should Have Said This Year


What my Christmas card said this year: “Sending Christmas cheer from a new home this year. “
What it should have said: “Sending Christmas cheer through tears this year.”

December has been rough. 2016 in general was rough.
2016 had a few great moments, (we got our house in the country, we added a new dog to the family and my little bro got engaged to a fabulous girl!) but I'm kinda glad to see 2016 come to an end, as 2016 was also the year my world lost two of the most amazing people. I shed a lot of tears this year, many during the end of March and beginning of July when we lost my grandma and grandpa, but I think I’ve shed more this last month.  

I cried putting up my Christmas tree because I couldn’t find the box that held my grandma’s angel topper. I cried when I heard this song on the radio that really put my feelings in words.

I had not been feeling in the Christmas spirit at all and I couldn't really figure it out.  I blamed it on having just moved and still having so many boxes to unpack and our house not yet feeling like a home.  I heard this song and immediately texted my husband and said, "THIS, this is why I can't get in the Christmas mood.  It's just not this same with out them!"

I woke up Christmas morning knowing I wouldn't be getting a "Merry Christmas" phone call from them and I cried.  I got out of bed and longing to feel close to them I made my grandma's amazing death by chocolate dessert to take to Mat's family Christmas.  I used the bowl that she always used... and I cried.

We went to mass at my in-law's church.  During the opening song I noticed a little cardinal bird they had used to decorate sitting on a door ledge.  I was fine when I only saw the one, but then I looked to the right and saw another sitting on a tree and you guessed it, I cried.  I cried through most the first part of mass and just when I had stopped we got to the prayers of the faithful and father prayed for all those who had died and well I lost it again.  

And I am crying as I sit here writing this thinking about tomorrow.  Tomorrow we will celebrate Christmas with my mom's side of the family and there will most definitely be a void as there will be two less places at the table and two beautiful smiles missing from the pictures.  

I never could have imagined how hard the holidays would be without them. I know my family is not the only one who experienced loss this year. To all who are also walking this journey of firsts without someone special, my heart hurts for you too and I am praying for you!